heart with a duncecap.

The mind can learn something just by reading about it. We read an instruction book and 9 times out of 11 we are able tot then achieve said objective.

However, the heart does not work like that. It must go through an experience to learn it. It has to go through the motions. Feel the way it is impacted. That's the only way it can grow.

Why... why oh stupid heart must you be so dense. If you just were able to get over yourself, things would be better.

We don't touch the stove because it will burn us.

Why must we burn our hearts in order make them grow!!!

I love this roller coaster. It's way better than the merry-go-round!

An apology to St. Augustine.

I don’t always like the words you say.
You have done much to influence the world.
Everyone falls in love with your heart.
But, still, I never knew you. And don’t want to.

Then I found the words you spoke
Which cannot fully be contained by small letters
No, it reaches beyond my heart to a place which may never have existed before you.
And, yet you do not even attempt to make it yours.

You glorify God for it.
You seek the Divine presence.
But it’s not really about you at all.
Even though I thought it was.

It was about my lack of knowing truth
My lack of being comforted
My lack of being held when everything goes wrong.
My lack of present, physical grace…

It is my heart that does not accept
It cries out for that of which you speak
Yet, it does not want to believe it.
What is this divide in it?

“A man full of faith hope and charity has no need of the Scriptures…” St. Augustine On Christian Doctrine.

to enjoy or to use

Augustine caused global warming.

Everyone wants to blame for the environmental crisis; I think I found our man. Augustine long ago created a theology of enjoyment or utility for things. He came from a Platonic perspective that suggested that the essential stuff in existence are the unseen, spiritual forces, and the material things are jacked up. Augustine baptizes this into the church and spins it in a new light. He suggests the only things which we are suppose to revere, find rest in, meditate on, "enjoy" is the spiritual stuff. And everything else is at best a utility to find the spiritual stuff.

The world is now utility. This means we can do whatever we want with it because its not important. Augustine as one of the most influential figures in Western thought was able to set in motion his ideas that permeate political, economical, religious, and personal ideologies. Nobody was safe from his ideas.

So, next time you get frustrated by the whole in the ozone layer, acid rain, lack of oxygen thing. Just remember its from your good buddy who also decided to create the whole sinful nature thing.

One step to going green. Get rid of Augustine.

the myth of fixing ourselves

Since childhood, I thought I could make myself be perfect. Everything would turn out just like the fantasy books; all I needed was to work harder and smarter. Many years of frustration and heartache exposes some holes in this ideology. Many people seek validation through their performance, of which I am chiefest of sinners (Just for the record: an excel sheet contrasting virtues to vice one commits in a week is not an effective way to create growth.) Performance becomes the modality in which everything is judged. Some of this modality occurs because many westerners buy into the illusion of a meritorious society. However, we secretly (and rightfully) hope that we do not live in a meritorious society; because that would infer that if you are on the "top of the ladder," then you are intrinsically and extrinsically good. Conversely, if you were hanging out on the bottom rung, you are the scum of the earth. Now, is this reality that you observe in real life? A meritorious system suggests that if you work towards perfectionism, you will obtain it. Thereby making it beneficial to create a narrative of personal improvement as something that we should all internalize even concerning faith. Yaconelli (2002) phrases it this way, "Some of us actually believe that until we choose the correct way to live, we aren't choosable ,that until we clean up the mess, Jesus won't have anything to do with us." Then, if not a meritorious system, what then is an alternative. Yaconelli (2002) suggests, "Until we admit we are a mess, Jesus won't have anything to do with us." Several Christians recognize the messiness existing in their lives. However, do we own up to just how messy it is? The constant failures, repeating relational faux-pas, and the clutter that fills up the inbox of our heads? I admit to you I do not. Yet, it is within the daily admission of my own messiness through my actions, words, relationships, and random musings that I can find wholeness. But, it honestly, I'm not sure we want to be people who are available enough to be messy. I think we like the idea of it. But it becomes too personal, life-altering, demanding, to do everyday. I realize that I can do very little in the grand scheme of things. I need you and the greater community of faith to come in and be those people that can love my messiness. I hope to do the same for you. And hopefully God will show us a thing or two during the process.